I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
