i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
