my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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