In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
