I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
