Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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