I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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