I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
