Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
