Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
