my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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