Cold hands, warm shart.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
