she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
