yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
