My underwear smells like fireworks.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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