wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Randomize
