Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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