Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
