your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
