So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
