my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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