you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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