Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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