i just wanna soil my oats bro
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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