So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
