If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's official drugs can't kill me
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
