hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
