I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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