Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
