Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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