I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
