So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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