Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
