I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
