Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
