I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
