Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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