I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
