the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
