Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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