you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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