I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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