my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
