Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
