i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we're making bets on your personal life
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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