I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you had me at cake vodka
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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