just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
