I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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