i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
