i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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