sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
