She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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