Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
